Feature Stories
Fear Factory Doing Everything They Can to Ruin the Fear Factory Name
LOS ANGELES—Burton C. Bell and Dino Cazares appear to be doing what
'Archetype' and 'Digimortal' could not -- ruin the Fear Factory name. The pair,
and a couple of other dudes, were forced to cancel several dates as the other
two dudes from Fear Factory take claim to the name.
"I have seen what has
gone down with L.A. Guns and Ratt," said guitarist Chrisitian Olde Wolbers. "And
frankly, I think they handled it perfectly. Two inferior bands going on tour and
making a few hundred bucks at dive bars, rather than the classic lineup going
out and playing festivals and being relevant. Sign me up."
Cazares did
not catch on to Wolbers sarcasm.
"That's a horrible idea, the Fear Factory
name belongs to its rightful owner, me. Y'know, the guy who bailed at the height of the band's popularity," said Cazares.
Billy Milano Ready to Take on Free Regin, Hits Buffet
NEW YORK-- Three Dallas Cowboys offensive linemen have
formed the band Free Reign and claim to be 'literally the heaviest' metal band
based on their size. Taking offense, S.O.D./M.O.D. singer Billy Milano
immediately called Dino Cazares and hit the local Old Country Buffett, ready to
take on the football players head on.
"It took forty years of neglect to get
a body like this," said Milano. "I'm not letting some Johnny Come Lately
football players take over the 'fat dude in metal' mantle."
Unfortunately, Milano is in better shape now so he has work cut
out for him. Milano may even be in 'stagediving weight', made famous in S.O.D's
'Speak
English or
Die' video. More unfortunatelier for Milano, the best way to put on some weight may be
to have some milk.
Coalesce Not Allowed to Masturbate
KANSAS CITY—Midwest mathcore mavens (alliteration!) are
standing up to nosy mothers and roomates that won't leave with their new single,
'The Plot Against My Love.' The band feels strongly that a conspiracy is afoot
to stop teen-aged boys from expressing 'their love' to themselves after a killer
game of Guitar Hero: Metallica.
"You think your mother is a pain in the ass,
searching under your mattress for nudie mags," said lead singer Sean Ingram.
"Try being stuck on a bus with three other dudes all trying to do the same thing,
but not wanting to do the same thing, at the same time."