Feature Stories
Michigan Deathfest Organizers Have No One to Blame But Themselves
DETROIT--Organizers of the Michigan Deathfest were forced to cancel this
year's 20th anniversary show citing band break-ups and an Iron Maiden show the
same night. Organizers refused to mention the purple elephant in the room,
nobody could figure out who was playing based on the flyer.
"Seriously, those
are band names?" said Detroit native Paul Young. "I think I saw that font on a
vision test I took at the RMV the other week."
Online fans have turned the
poster into a metalheads' version of the online game Sporcle trying to guess all
the bands on the flyer. While 94.3% were able to decipher Imperial Conquest,
only 6.5% correctly guessed Abominant. Over 11,000 people have played the game
online, which is outnumbers ticket-buyers by approximately 11,000.
Phil Collen Taking Bowie Obsession Way to Far
PALM BEACH--Def Leppard's Phil Collen was married for the third time recently
to a woman known as the future ex-Mrs. Phil Collen. The nuptials took place nine
days after Collen's second divorce from a woman that 'has a lot in common' with
his new bride and David Bowie's stunning wife, Iman.
"I don't want to say he
has a type," said an anonymous source whose name rhymes with Bo Belliot. "But
he's the only dude I know with WNBA season tickets."
Attendees of the wedding
were disappointed that the new couple had an alocohol-free reception but were
ecstatice to finally see Collen wearing a shirt.
Christian Metalcore Band Undergoes Controversial Group Surgery
LOS ANGELES--Warped Tour participants Confide of Los Angeles and known for
their god-shit-awful cover of guilty pleasure 'Such Great Heights' by the Postal
Service, recently underwent a group plastic surgery to look twice as gay and
three times as emo. And to all look exactly alike. The group is said to have
gone to the same doctor that made everyone in Korn look alike.
Tom Six,
writer and director of cult horror flick 'The Human Centipede,' is said to be in
discussions with the group to star in a sequel in which the band members will be
sewn together head-to-ass.