Feature Stories
Near Riot Breaks Out at Boston-Area Ozzy Signing
BOSTON--The Barnes and Noble in Kenmore Square in Boston expected craziness
when Ozzy Osbourne was in town to sign copies of his new book, 'I Am Ozzy.' What
they got was a melee when a 20-something 'well-groomed' man showed up with a box
set of 'The Osbournes' for the godfather of metal to sign. Several black-clad
aging metalheads proceeded to beat the man within an inch of his life with
everything from steel-toed boots, regular boots, and even a vinyl copy of Black
Sabbath's 'Vol. 4.' Six men were arrested for assault.
One of the men, Kevin
Harrison, appeared in a Suffolk County Courtroom Tuesday morning and pleaded not
guilty. On the steps outside the courtroom he defended his actions first
claiming "the years 2002 to 2005 never existed" then later conceding they did
exist but "Ozzy's real body was flown to Antarctica where he was forced to kill
eleven polar bears with his bare hands as a sacrifice to the metal gods while a
stunt double played Ozzy" on the popular MTV show.
In a related story, a
Boise, ID news station is suing Osbourne because their station was the only in
the United States on which Osbourne did not appear last week.
Triptykon Blows Entire Production Budget on Album Cover
SWEDEN-- In an era when no one buys CDs, never mind vinyl
records with fold-outs and artwork you can actually appreciate, Triptykon,
the new band featuring Tom Warrior, has decided to splurge and commission a
H.R. Giger painting to use as the cover of their debut
album.
Giger, best known for his work on the
movie 'Aliens' and whose work combines sex, aliens, and sex, was also
featured on Celtic Frost's 'To Mega Therion' album cover. Century Media, who is
releasing the Triptykon album, provided Warrior with a $25,000 production budget
and allowed to him spend it any way he wants. If there is a second album, the
record label plans to just send the money directly to Giger.
Even the biggest
detractors have called the album cover "fucking badass."
Phil vs. Phil Fight to Death Ends in, yup, Death
PUNXSUTAWNEY--Hot off the scintilating (yawn) MMA debut of Herchel Walker,
Down frontman Phil Anselmo was so juiced up that he challenged Punxsutawney
Phil, the famed Pennsylvania groundhog, to a no-holds barred match to the death.
Three minutes and eleven "god damn"s later, Anselmo emerged victorious and the
groundhog will now see his shadow six feet under, where he luckily will never
again have to hear Six Feet Under.
Hundreds of Keystone State children had
not known of the match and were visibly disturbed by the site of a grown man
wearing a Necrophagist T-shirt repeatedly stomping the animal until its left eye
popped out of its socket. Some were seen vomiting when the Pantera vocalist
climbed a nearby fence and delivered a 'Superfly Snuka' to the motionless
rat.
Officials will begin a search for a new groundhog in the fall and are
expected to name the new mascot 'Dez.' Devildriver's Dez Fafara is already
plotting his challenge, having been seen lifting weights during a late-night
workout session at a Gold's Gym near Santa Barbara.