Feature Stories
Al Jourgensen Throws Fat-Ass Actor a Bone
CHICAGO--Industrial metal mastermind Al Jourgensen is readying a new Ministry release and has hired actor Jorge Garcia, better known as Hurley from cult-favorite 'Lost,' to appear on the cover. Fortunately for Jourgensen he did not have to hire a staff for the photo shoot. The picture on the album cover is exactly how the photographer found Garcia when he showed up at the actor's Los Angeles home.
Garcia, now starring on the soon to be canceled
'Alcatraz,' agreed to pose for the album cover because
the gig paid in steak and chicken and required no
cardiovascular activity. Jourgensen and Garcia
reportedly had a 'worse off'-off which Jorgensen won
because heroin trumps milkshake in the 'I have no self
control' hierarchy.
Citing Previous Story, Jourgensen Denies Hiring
Actor To Appear on 1999 Album
CHICAGO--As word leaked that 'Lost' actor Jorge
Garcia appears on the new Ministry album 'Relapse', Al
Jourgensen shot down rumors that Garcia also appeared
on 1999's 'Dark Side of the Spoon.'
"I totally see the resemblance," admitted Jourgensen.
"But it ain't him. It's actually a chick from
'Fatliners.' I got a good looking wife so just to keep
shit real, I like to look at a fat broad on occasion."
Jourgensen compares the experience to kicking heroin
in that involves a lot of puking. Meanwhile Garcia
neither confirms nor denies that he had to do a lot of
weird 'drag shit' when times were tough in his
pre-'Lost', late 90's days.
Recently Announced Mayhem Festival Deemed
Diarrhea-Worthy
IDAHO--Slipknot, Slayer, and As I Lay Dying are among
the confirmed bands on the 2012 (Insert Energy Drink)
Mayhem Festival and one metal fans is so excited he is
going to support the tour's main sponsor.
"Rockstar Rockstar Rockstar," screamed David Lee, 28,
of Boise. "When you put together a lineup this good
you deserve the product placement."
Lee said he is not a fan of energy drinks because "it
gives him the trots", but when a second stage alone
consists of Anthrax, Whitechapel, and High on Fire,
the mechanical engineer is ready to "bring on the
diarrhea."
After Lee was informed that Motorhead is expected to
the be announced as the third main stage headliner he
proceeded to shit his pants.
"That had everything to do with excitement and nothing
to do with the canned liquid sugar vomit that I am
preparing to drink."