NEW YORK - An old-school wet dream of a lineup will be hitting Webster Hall in New York on July 5 as Agnostic Front and Madball will be teaming up as part of the CBGB's Festival. Agnostic Front has announced they will play their 1989 album 'Live at CBGB's' in its entirety.
Local hospitals are already adding extra staff as they expect many 50-something hardcore fans will forget they are now old when they set it off and throw out their backs in the pit. Luckily the show is the day after Independence Day and the soon-to-be-injured fans will have already fulfilled their holiday grandfatherly obligations.
DES MOINES - After only four albums masked metal band Slipknot will be releasing a greatest hits album called 'Antennas to Hell' in July hoping to cash in on the band's run headlining the Mayhem Festival. Even Slayer will be able to slap together a couple of songs before hitting the road.
"Fuck that," said Slipknot lead singer Corey Taylor. "I got Stone Sour, a book, a bunch of guest appearances. It is time for this guy to sit back and let the checks roll in."
After being reminded that album sales are so low that even bands like Metallica have to tour Taylor was not fazed.
"We are putting the same effort into the live shows as we did the greatest hits album and those checks will cash like a motherfucker."
NEW JERSEY - Despite a suggestive title the new Overkill song 'Electric Rattlesnake' is not about a vibrator. According to lead singer Bobby 'Blitz' Ellsworth the song's title refers to a guitar.
"There is a lyric right in the song about plugging it in. Have you heard the song?" said Ellsworth. "What kind of psycho would plug in a vibrator? Thomas Edison invented batteries for a reason."
Long-time Overkill fans 'could give a flying fuck' what the song is about and are just excited the band is releasing 'kick-ass, straight ahead thrash metal' as opposed to 'straight ahead, kick-ass thrash metal.'
"It is all about subtle differences," said an unnamed fan. "Fancy people call it semantics. I ain't fancy."
The monthly tradition on the old site makes it way to the new site. You know the rules, I open a Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments, maybe I'll comment back.
1. 'Nothing in Return' by Down. For a bunch of dudes in their forties they really do get better with each album. Any chances their new EP continues that trend? I am not putting it past them. In this age of shortened attention spans, a half dozen song mini-album may do the trick. It is like a throwback to the old Black Sabbath albums.
2. 'Back and Forth' by Kylesa. Two drummers that go back and forth, right? Or and ode to the first three words of Faith No More's 'Falling to Pieces'? Probably neither.
3. 'The Ballad of Solomon Eagle' by Orange Goblin. Dude, I went to high school with a Solomon Eagle. One time he had a sheet of acid in his back pocket and his ass started to sweat and he ended dropping, like, 15 hits of acid and he thought he was a glass of orange juice. Did that story get around your high school too?
4. 'Trust No One' by Cancer Bats. Done and done my fine canuck friends.
5. 'Can't Hardly Wait' by The Replacements. When Paul Westerberg was slumming in Minneapolis fronting what would be a very influential indie rock band in the early 80's I bet it was his dream that a teeny-bopper movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt's titties would use this song as the soundtrack's lead track. The dude was a prophet.
6. 'And Hell Will Follow Me' by A Pale Horse Named Death. It took nearly as long to type this track's title as it did to listen to it. It is the sound of a horsey running then stopping then squealing. I bet iTunes still charges $1.29 for this (NOTE: I am too lazy to confirm).
7. 'Layne' by Black Label Society. Of the two shitty songs about Layne Staley by one of my favorite bands (the other being Pearl Jam's '4/20/02'), this one is tied for shittiest.
8. 'Trust' by Megadeth. Between Cancer Bats and Megadeth I am sensing a theme. I think these dude's have been betrayed by a vagina or three. That's why I always look a vagina straight in the eye when it is talking to me. Either that or I just give it the silent treatment (or vice versa, whatever).
9. 'Insomnia' by Megadeth. When I am giving a vagina the silent treatment I tend not to be able to sleep. That and trying to remember who played shortstop for the Red Sox in 1988.
10. 'Crusher Destroyer' by Mastodon. Hello friends. You always have a seat at my dinner table. Pass the chicken.
NEW YORK - A May 22, 2012 news story on Blabbermouth was entitled 'Drowning Pool Has a New Singer" leading some to believe that an archive story accidentally got published on the front page. Guitarist C.J. Pierce said that is not the case.
"Nope, singer number four bitches," said Pierce. "Spinal Tap had hits and many drummers. We have many singers and a hit. Same thing if you ask me."
Pierce did not name the new singer but hinted that the vocalist's first name contains the letter 'J.' Pointless speculation has led to the following possibilites: C.J. Pierce, DJ Ashba, JJ French, and TJ Hooker.
I am fairly certain that as a 13-year old white teenager in New Hampshire I was not the target audience of 'The Arsenio Hall Show' but that did not stop me from watching it. A lot. I think I remember seeing this live. Woof woof woof.
TEXAS - Greg Tribbett will not be with his band Hellyeah for the last five shows of their current tour and the band will round out the tour as a foursome. The decision says one of two things; either Tribbett is unnecessary or the band will be providing a lesser show for the fans from Lynchburg, VA to El Paso, TX.
"No, what we are gonna do is give 125%," said lead singer Chad Grey. "Add that up and you get 500% which is what you get when five of us give 100%."
Who can argue with that?
AUSTRALIA - Ouroboros is an Australian death metal band and recently received a grant worth approximately $20,000 from the Australian government to complete their new album. Coincidentally, KISS is now moving to Australia.
SPRINGFIELD - Sporting camouflage pants, sleeveless Ed Hardy shirt, fedora, and a newly minted tribal tattoo, a brash new Bart Simpson was unleashed on the world with a memorable quote.
"It's all about bustin' heads and bustin' nuts," said the venerable fourth grader. "Anybody who crosses me will be avenged sevenfold."
To complete the image makeover Simpson now fronts a hard rock band called Four Finger Death Punch and hopes to hit the bar scene around Springfield, provided Marge and/or Homer sign off on the underaged headbanger entering drinking establishments.
"In my day I was a real rocker, pumping my fists to Bad Company," said Homer Simpson. "Now I don't know what cool is. What was coming out of the garage sounded like Bad Company except the exact opposite."
With this new in-your-face attitude, Fox executives are hoping to recruit the coveted 'learning is for faggots' demographic.
BIRMINGHAM - While on the surface the recent Black Sabbath reunion went off swimmingly (y'know, minus the whole Bill Ward not being there thing), an in-depth investigation revealed that the show also was clouded in tragedy. After being told by lead singer Ozzy Osbourne to "Go Fucking Crazy!", local bartender William Bailey did just that. The tirade led to two concussions and three pregnant women, two of which are mother-daughter.
"Tony was cranking out the opening riffs to 'Children of the Grave' and the crowd was jumping up and down and just getting into the moment, except for the hundreds of people on their cellphone," said attendee Hugh Henry. "Ozzy does his normal schtick and then this dude just loses it."
Multiple reports have Bailey ripping off both his belt and pants, swinging them violently over his head. After knocking several people unconscious the sight of blood apparently aroused Bailey who then began "fucking everything that moved."
Officials are being tight-lipped about the victims and are unwilling to speak on record to confirm the incidents actually happened. However it can be confirmed that Osbourne was asked to watch the language next time.
INTERNET - There is a Facebook page called '1,000,000 Black Sabbath fans say yes to Bill Ward' and it has over 44,000 fans which according to my fuzzy math is roughly 950,000 fans short of its title. But that is not where site founder Tony Conley stops with the hyperbole.
The official Black Sabbath site recently removed images of Bill Ward from its site prompting Conley to say "That is simply one of the most dastardly, chickenshit things I have ever seen done in my 40-some years of watching rock and roll. Definitely the maneuver with the least class, and disrespect." After being given half-a-second to ponder this statement, anybody with the ability of rationale thought put it somewhere in the top 37,000.
Ozzy Osbourne once re-recorded his old solo albums, hiring new session musicians so he could drop old bandmates from the recordings and fuck them out of royalties and even that does not crack the top 1,000.
When asked for comment, all parties involved with the Black Sabbath reunion were unavailable as they were busy trying to figure out their cut from the lucrative venture.
The monthly tradition on the old site makes it way to the new site. You know the rules, I open a Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments, maybe I'll comment back.
1. 'What's Left of the Flag' by Flogging Molly. As a native New Englander this may be sacrilege but this song blows away anything by the Dropkick Murphys, with the possible exception of 'Fields of Athenry.' About a year back on a Friday night I found myself watching PBS, realizing I am old. I justified it because I was watching the Flogging Molly Austin City Limits episode.
2. 'Bladecatcher' by Mastodon. I believe this song is about a lawn mower, which is way better than Stephen King's 'Dreamcatcher' which involves a toilet and monsters.
3. 'The Law' by Kyuss. In hindsight, I am thinking Nick Oliveri is not big fan of this song's title. Actually with the Josh Homme lawsuit, I do not think any band members are digging the title. Who thought an obscure stoner rock band can kick up so much legal dirt.
4. 'Blundertown' by The Birthday Party. Nick Cave at his Birthday Party-est.
5. 'Shevil' by The Melvins. Get it? It's like evil for a girl. Y'know what is shevil? The pace of this song. It. Is. Just. So. Slow. Even. For. A. Sludgy. Melvins. Song.
6. 'Us and Them' by Between the Buried and Me. Other than us and them, who's left? I tell you who, people who just can't get into Pink Floyd. If this sentence is spelled wrong it is because I am typing with my hand raised.
7. 'WTV' by Ministry. What the Vuck? Willing to Vote? Wally the Vampire? You got me.
8. 'My Mind is Dangerous' by Life of Agony. Yes, it is. Though not as dangerous as blood thirsty pit bulls. Those bitches are crazY with a capital Y.
9. 'Nothing Touches Me' by Radiohead. Contrary to popular belief, not about Howie Mandell who I am now know is a germ food thanks to Howard Stern. 'America's Got Talent' is unwatchable, right? I have listened to Stern my entire adult life and I am already thinking of bailing.
10. 'All You Do is Talk' by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club. What a song. The best song on their last few albums. I finally move to their home city of San Francisco and they stop touring. Was it something I said? I take back what I said about the last album. I'll help myself and not say a thing.
It is May 15, or 5/15 to the numerically inclined. A couple of non-heavy metal greats, but greats nonetheless, have songs called 5:15. Let's compare shall we:
Along with Ozzy Osbourne and Kiss, The Who was amongst the first rock bands my older brother was into, thus I was into. I am forever grateful. And 'Quadrophenia' is my favorite album of theirs, so I am a little partial to this. However...
David Bowie also has a warm place in my heart. When I was college, I worked third shift at a grocery store stocking shelves over the summer to pay for school (overnight was an extra $2/hour!) and a dude I worked with got me into Bowie. And I remember watching this particular version of the song on A&E because it was a live show that people could call in requests and Moby called in and promoted the Area 51 tour, which Miss Heavy Metal Comedy and I attended.
So does childhood win over college? Nine times out of ten, the answer is no. But in this case The Who narrowly edges David Bowie. What says you?
LOS ANGELES - Three original members of hair metal honeys Vixen have reunited under the name VXN. While their press release states the band had "hit after hit" (with a straight face), many know Vixen as "those blond hair metal chicks from MTV."
Representatives of the band have said the name Vixen was changed to VXN for legal reasons and a way to put the past behind them and turn a new page in their careers. Other unnamed sources said the change came about because the band's legal team could not figure out 'the 'I' before 'E' rule and just dropped the vowels all together.
Despite the controversy, the now near-50 musicians still look great and have many men re-considering whether it is okay to lust after grandmas.
According to a press release on Blabbermouth, "Legendary" NWOBHM band Tokyo Bladehas released the first of three songs for three charities. Proceeds from the track"Camp 334"will go to theOne Spiritcharity, which helps make life better for the Lakota Sioux on the Pine Ridge reservation. With the proceeds, One Spirit is said to have their eye on a pack of gum
The monthly tradition on the old site makes it way to the new site. You know the rules, I open a Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments, maybe I'll comment back.
1. 'Blackmail the Universe' by Megadeth. A solid, slightly underrated album. At least three songs by my count, this, 'Die Dead Enough,' and 'Back in the Day' would be just dandy in any Megadeth live show. Alas we get 'A Toute Le Monde' and 'She-Wolf' for the zillionth time. To all the world I say stop.
2. 'Personal Jesus' by Depeche Mode. Seen these dudes live with Miss Heavy Metal Comedy. Not at all odd. What was odd was that her parents also went. And not with us. And they are pretty straight-laced folk. Not the pill-popping, over-the-hill goth freaks you expect from 60-somethings at a Depeche Mode show.
3. 'Plant Telex' by Radiohead. Pearl Jam and Radiohead are usually the go-to bands when I hang out with friends not into heavy music. I have lost touch a bit with Radiohead but this album may be a desert island album for me. Especially if I could bring Spotify. Any chance they got wireless in the middle of the ocean?
4. 'Razorhoof' by High on Fire. I don't mind the occasional horsey race on the TV. Okay, I watch the triple crown races and yell at the TV drunk on bourbon. Having said that, if horseys had razor hooves I would 318% more likely to watch. Make it happen HDNet.
5. 'Figure of Fun' by The Birthday Party. One of the great things about Spotify is the ability to grab albums legally that I probably would never buy. This is an example. As much as I dig Nick Cave, I ain't buying The Birthday Party albums. Oh internet, is there anything you can't do? Other than create horseys with razor hooves.
6. 'Endangered Species' by Sepultura. Y'know what animal could be added to the endangered species list? Horseys. Especially if they ever get razor hooves.
7. 'Reborn Thru Me' by Crowbar. I think this song is about dudes that name their kids after themselves. Note to anybody who has a son that is a Jr.: you are an asshole. Get over yourself, you are not that important. Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ Jr.? Santa Claus Jr.? Nope. (Note: 'Reborn Thru Me' was not on YouTube).
8. 'Worthless' by Doomriders. I think this is about horseys without razor hooves. This video taken at a club in which I have done stand-up.
9. 'Return to Hangar' by Megadeth. Another song that should be in the live setlist. Megadeth plays three songs from the new album each tour then retires them and keeps playing the same twelve songs. Let's do an "Evening with...' tour and play three hours. It's not like their hands will fall off from all the soloing. Actually they probably will, but what a way to go.
10. 'Shadow on Me' by Seventh Void. I think my computer has the munchies after playing all this stoner/sludge metal. It is now higher than an NBA player's entourage.
NEW YORK - Punk singer Tom Gabel of Against Me! has announced that he will now live his life as a woman under the name Laura Jane Grace. When the news hit the wire, Life of Agony frontwoman Mina Caputo, who was once a man named Keith Caputo, has been bombarded with requests for comments.
"Why do I need to comment on every musician that decides to change genders?" asked Caputo. "Does Phil Anselmo have to answer questions every time some singer decides to shoot heroin? Does Brent Hinds have to answer questions every time some guitarist decides to tattoo his face?"
In a Twitter comment Caputo did express his support for Grace's decision and said "they need to chat." Rumors are abound that the two are looking to start a book club and start calling themselves 'ladies that brunch.'
Grace was married to a woman when he was Gabel and the two plan on remaining married and Grace has no desire to be with men. Supporters are pleased that Gabel was able to find a woman not only willing to marry him as a man, but also stay married to him as a woman, and have shitty taste in music. It only proves that there truly is somebody for everybody.
This must be a tough NHL playoffs for 'ol Dave (aka God) with the Coyotes, Kings, and Flyers all doing so well. And this must be a tough NHL playoffs for everyone because the Bruins have been eliminated.
LOS ANGELES - 'Born Villian' is the new Marilyn Manson album and the rocker has shown a newfound aversion to dirty words on the track 'Pistol Whipped.' The song features the lyric "You're a little pistol and I'm fucking pistol whipped." It is not known why Manson is afraid to say the word pussy.
"Some think I am a monster, at least that is what I hope people think, but deep down I am sensitive little flower with parents who love me," said Manson. "And while saying the word 'fuck' was frowned upon, saying the P-word would get a result in a rolling pin noogie. I guess that has stuck with me into my 40's."
While some critics will simply say the lyrics are the result of a musician past his prime and getting lazy, others have told the world they are brilliant in their simplicity.
"I like the song because I get it," said 4-year old fan Greg Greggson.
Greggson's parents were then arrested.
WASHINGTON DC - Hot on the heels of the revelation that President Barack Obama made up a girlfriend in his biography comes another controversy in which the President's staff is caught making a person up. As part of his 'I know I said I would pull the United States out of Afghanistan but that plan has gone to shit so I better find a way to get the people behind me' strategy, the President's staff has gushed to the press about a army corporal that stands for all that is good about the United States military.
Corporal Jigsore Quandary of the U.S. Army is said to have saved the lives of dozens of children from a burning bus attacked by the Taliban, single-handedly rescued hundreds of women in abusive relationships, and even delivered a baby goat in the midst of enemy gunfire. The only problem is that Corporal Jigsore Quandary does not exist. And the President's staff was lazy in coming up with the fictional man's name, though their awesome-ness quotient has increased dramatically.
A Florida metal fan was watching MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell feverishly masturbating while breathlessly telling the story of Quandary when he realized the name sounded familiar. A quick YouTube search confirmed his intuition as moments later his was bopping his head to 'Corporal Jigsore Quandary' by Carcass. Brad Valentine of Orlando then informed his Congressman of his findings and within 48 hours, the White House was issuing a 'my bad.'
"Busted. You got me," said Tom Thomson, a spokesperson who reportedly came up with the whole storyline. "I guess I forgot how loyal metal fans are seeing as how, y'know, I am clearly a metal fan. I should have used some hip-hop guy's name that had a hit in 2006, his name forgotten in 2007, and his possessions repossessed in 2008."
FRANCE - The new Gojira album, as the kids say, is about to drop and the French metalers will be traveling the globe to push the new album. Just not in Japan where the country still fears Gojira because of the many Godzilla popular monster flicks.
"I made the mistake of one time saying that I wanted to destroy at Budokon," said lead singer Joe Duplantier. "Something must have got lost in the translation and now we are not welcome. Don't they have the Internet? I'm not even sure how a fire breathing gorilla whale could even front a metal band. Y'know, outside of GWAR."
Irregardless, as the kids in South Boston say, the band will be relegated to areas outside of the Orient while the controversy dies down. Sepultura, whose catalog contains a song called 'Biotech is Godzilla,' once went five years without playing Japan. But that was mainly because of the country's affinity for former leader Max Cavalera and their one-time disdain for the "leftovers."
The title is a bit misleading because we have to assume the bra was at one time flying. And chubby chicks should not be that close to the stage because they end up beating me up in the pit.
OCEAN CITY - Ninety-five percent of the time New Jersey resident Danny Young hasn't a clue what Meshuggah is singing about but that does not deter the 26-year old computer programmer because he digs the beat so much. But the band's newest single, 'Don't Look Down' falls into the five percent category.
"Dude, we've all been there," began Young. "You head up to the Lincoln Tunnel to score a quick beej for a cheap fifty and halfway through you realize it's a dude. What are you gonna do? Don't look down is what you do. I think it is so cool that those dudes in Meshuggah have been through the same thing."
While the guys in the band have copped to being lonely on many a cold Sweden night, they are not ready to concede that Young's interpretation of the song is correct. In fact they have asked Young not steal their music anymore.
"Whatever dude, it's a free country," said Young. "Maybe next time the mood hits me to pick up a tunnel bunny I'll have Meshuggah soundtrack my hummer."
That won't scare him or her at all.
DENMARK - Sixteen dollars can buy a lot of things. Cheap seats at the ball game. Maybe a nice t-shirt. Or a pizza in San Francisco. The latter is what Volbeat is said to be singing about in their song 'Sixteen Dollars.'
"We did a show at the Fillmore a year back and we visited after playing San Jose last month and the underlying meaning just punched me in the face," said lead singer Michael Poulsen. "I am already saving up to buy a large sausage when we play the Warfield in July. Too bad I wasn't making Metallica money or I'd be able to score me a gluten-free crust."
Warfield openers Hellyeah will reportedly be paid in pizza.
Poulsen was told that one could buy a bottle of Jack Daniels for cheaper than sixteen bucks in some areas of the city and was immediately inspired to record another classic cover.
"We've always loved Carnivore so we can do redo 'Jack Daniels and Pizza," said Poulsen. "Except we'll call it 'Jack Daniels or Pizza.'"
ENGLAND - 'The Power Within', the new album from power metallers Dragonforce, sold 5,800 copies in its first week, well short of their previous releases. While industry insiders point towards album sales being down across the board, anybody with half a brain knows the group is hitting the shitter due to the demise of 'Guitar Hero,' the once popular video game that featured the band's 'Through the Fire and Flames.'
The track helped push the band towards the top of the rock charts and the fortune that comes with such success, or so one would think. Unfortunately the band rolled the dice on 'Guitar Hero' and got took payment in the form of Activision stock, the maker of the now defunct game. The band received 100,000 shares and with the stock currently valued at just under $13, that sounds like a helluva deal. But the $13 is far below the band's opt-in price of $19.
"Have you been reading my email, how do you know all this shit," asked guitarist Herman Li. "This sounds like some serious Rupert Murdoch shit went down."
While Heavy Metal Comedy refuses to reveal their sources, Li has suggested that he will no longer take stock advice from William Shatner, no matter how many martinis the 'Star Trek' actor buys the talented guitarist.
