Defending the Playlist

Every Friday I open Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments; maybe I will comment back.

1. 'The Perfect Crime' by Faith No More. Maybe I am showing my age, but 'Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey' has a pretty solid soundtrack. This song, 'Go to Hell' by Megadeth, Primus. It was one of my first CDs via one of those BMG promotions when you got 10 CDs for a penny. That was the perfect crime.



2. 'The Fight Song' by Marilyn Manson. Actual conversation at some point. Dude 1: I like 'The Fight Song.' Dude 2: 'Which one'? Dude 1: 'That Marilyn Manson song.' Dude: 'Oh, I thought that Halford band that sings 'Nailed to the Gun'.'



3. 'Vampires' by Godflesh. OMG, Vampires are sooooo sexy! I need to get the average of my readers under thirty. I am on Team Godflesh.



4. 'Heaven is Gone' by Seventh Void. For heaven to be gone, it must mean that it once existed. Unless it is a metaphor. Then it could still be around because gone could be a metaphor for ever-present. This whole blurb is a metaphor for crap. Good song though.



5. 'Roadhouse Talking Blues' by The Doors. Filler track. Good thing it was free.



6. 'Working Class Hero' by Ozzy Osbourne. I have said it before, Ozzy is auto-tune whore of hard rock. But auto-tuning at 60 is different than at 18. If you sing 'Megalomaniac' you can auto-tune for life for all I care.



7. 'Waterfall' by The Stone Roses. Of all the bands that called their second album, 'Second Coming,' these dudes are the best.



8. 'Don't Be Afraid of the Dark' by Y&T. I guess these dudes are from here in the Bay Area and they play their music on classic rock stations, but usually 'Summertime Girls.' But they didn't play 'Summertime Girls' at my junior high dance. Probably because it was fourteen degrees in New England.



9. 'Fuckin' Up' by Pearl Jam. A Neil Young cover. I remember when Bush started covering this song live after Pearl Jam had been covering as part of their live sets. That, and not a bullet to Kurt Cobain's face, killed 90's rock.



10. 'Waiting for the Rapture' by Oasis. You listen to the first ten songs and you swear it is a cover of 'Five to One.' A lot of Oasis music sounds 'familiar' but they do steal well. They are like the Sean Parker of english rock.

This Week in Megadeth on YouTube

What makes a great interviewer is rambling on while your guest never has a chance to get a word in

Book Idea is New Level of Desperation

LOS ANGELES - What's His Face? the lead singer of the band What Were They Called Again? whose half second of fame comes from punching out Glenn Danzig many years ago and sending the video to every news outlet that would play it is now writing a book about the incident.
The singer describes the book as a collection of hate mail and rumors that amassed after the incident and "a regular guy's journey in music and learning to shrug off one of the most opinionated events in music history". He will finish the book and soon as he figures out  what 'shrug off' means. Also in his way is having to create all the alleged hate mail and make up some more rumors so he can still appear on Blabbermouth every few months. Sepultura will contribute 'Desperate Cry' to the soundtrack of the never-to-be-published book.

This Week in Pictures of Maria Brink

Get comfy. Feel free to use the whole chair. Take your boots off, stay awhile... actually keep the boots on.

Internet Date Gets Gojira-y

NEW YORK - French words always sound romantic to the ladies and Heather Carter is certainly a lady. And when a suitor with whom she had been corresponding on Match.com suggested going to a romantic French Restaurant to celebrate the release of Gojira's 'L'Enfant Sauvage' she was totally game. Little did she expect that by the end of the night she would running out of a Upper West Side apartment leaving behind her fully erect suitor and a stereo blaring 'Liquid Fire.'
"It all started innocently enought. He got the duck confit, I got the coq au vin. Things were going great," said Carter. "While we shared a creme brulee I asked about Gojira and he recommended we go back to his place for a listen. Things were going great so I thought 'why not?'"
Carter, who had never bothered to google Gojira and 'L'Enfant Sauvage' would regret her decision.
"I wasn't necessarily expecting classical music, but I definitely wasn't expecting that."
After arriving at the man's fourteenth floor apartment she settled on the couch with a glass of Pinot Noir as her date proceeded to put the Gojira CD on the stereo as he headed into the bedroom. Three minutes of exquisite french heavy metal later the man emerged from his room naked and it was safe to say his manhood had adoration for one.
"I got the hell out of there as fast as I could," Carter said. "Though I wish I grabbed the disc. It was pretty solid."
(Editor's Note: Heather Carter is not the woman's real name. She asked for HMC to use an alias because she did not want you animals looking her up on Match.com)

Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From...

'Pink Bubbles Go Ape' by Helloween

The lady will have the fish. Chauvinistic? Maybe. But sometimes taking charge is not only sexy but practical. We all know the female is the better-looking sex, this is not up for debate. However, not every dashing dame is playing with full deck in a game of Go Fish. Time to intervene. You have on your best duds and your lady is dressed to the nines, her body is a ten, and you are to offer her a six later in the evening. Time to save her from herself.

Sushi is classy. Oysters are an aphrodisiac. And lobsters are awesome. They all also take some getting used to. You do not just graduates from burgers and fries to yellowfin and ahi tuna. If you go the wrong restaurant they will spot a newbie a mile away and they will exploit the shit out of your ignorance. Same with a dinner party and the blonde from the Helloween album is an example of that. Let's recap the night that began with all sorts of high expectations and ended with a stomach pumping.

Blondie was lucky enough to get invited to a swank party in swanky Beverly Hills because she was able to score a job as an executive assistant for a powerful producer in the music business. Not bad for a small town girl new to the viper den known as Los Angeles. A three hundred dollar dress and equally expensive shoes later she finds herself at the kind of house that is so large it gives you vertigo and flamingoes cruise the halls like a junior varsity football coach doing bed check at the state tournament. When prompted by a midget in a white coat what she would like for a dinner the first thing that pops into her head is sushi. But she has never had it, hell, she has never even seen sushi but she wants to fit in. Little did she know, this ain't that kind of shindig. We are talking piles of coke. This is a music producer's pad after all. And if there is one thing that coke heads like more than hours of sex and not being able to cum, it is practical jokes.

Three words would change her plans for the evening, and also force her to change her drawers. “Your sushi madam.” Oh, she did think it odd that she was served a whole raw fish. But this is Beverly Hills. Little did she know that the baby mackerel was pulled from the chum bucket sitting next to the shark tank in patio's bar area. Rather than embarrass herself in front of her new friends, she excused herself to the hall where she could power down the scaly delight. Three shots of tequila and eighteen minutes of dry heaving later, she did herself proud and forced it down. She also gave herself a mean case of food poisoning and the trots. Nothing a little stomach pumping cannot fix. And worst of all, she was let go three weeks later when it turns out the music producer was discovered to have blown all his money on the ponies and was involved in a giant Ponzi Scheme.

So guys, do a little research and learn how to order for lady at a fancy restaurant. Do not let her end up with a dress covered in a vomit, booty short panties full of poop, and a pink slip.

In late 2011/early 2012, I was approached by a literary agent with an idea for a book called 'Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From Heavy Metal Album Covers.' It sounded like a good idea and they sent me a sample album cover (Whitesnake's 'Lovehunter') and asked me write up a blurb for that and another of my choosing (I went with 'Around the Fur' by Deftones). After some back and forth about the direction of the book and the voice of the author we decided to make a go of it. Unfortunately we did not find a buyer but now I have a few dozen blurbs collecting dust on my computer. So why not share with the world?

Again, this was not my original idea. That goes to Mal Peachy and the people at Essential Works. I'll share one with you each week. Enjoy.

Goatwhore Song is Not a Fear Factory Cover

NEW ORLEANS - 'When Steel Meets Bone.' Say those four words to a heavy metal enthusiasts and 81% of respondents will immediately assume it is a Fear Factory song about machine and man morphing into one. The other 19% will just yell "Fucking Slayer!"

It turns out 'When Steel Meets Bone' is a new song from New Orleans' Goatwhore, the band whose name sounds like they are a dime-a-dozen, all sounds the same, death metal band but whose sound is pretty kick-ass thrash. For those new to the Goatwhore name a couple of Google searches have told Heavy Metal Comedy the following about the genesis of the Goatwhore name:

- The band's name is pronounced Goat-Whore, not Go-At-Whore; that makes a difference

- The 'Goat' does not stand for 'Greatest of All Time' so the band's name is not an acronym for 'Greatest of All Time Whore' which is a long-winded way of saying 'Marilyn Monroe.'

Sebastian Bach's 'Microphone'

This is not a metaphor for Sebastian Bach's ability to do the rattlesnake shake.

Defending the Playlist

Every Friday I open Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments; maybe I will comment back.

1. 'Rise' by The Cult. I just saw one of their concerts on HDNet. The thing I like about HDNet concerts is that they almost always take place in a club that appears to be way too clean to be a tock club. It almost looks like a sound stage. It's an 80's hair metal video meets 'Austin City Limits.'



2. 'Stone to Wake a Serpent' by ISIS. A little word of advice, if you encounter a serpent do not wake it. And if you decide to wake it with a stone, make sure you get him real good so he is only awake for a second before he falls back asleep forever. Also, ISIS is awesome.



3. 'It's Martini Time' by Reverend Horton Heat. This album came out when I was in college and I was obsessed with it. And then there was a song called 'Liquor in the Front... Poker in the Rear.' It's like an audio 'Big Johnson' and/or 'Coed Naked' t-shirt.



4. 'Flying High Again' by Ozzy Osbourne. If I ever went to a shrink and she (and it would be a she; a sexy, glasses wearing she so we can get involved in a torrid, inappropriate affair) did some of the weird 'go back to your childhood and find some suppressed feelings' shit, I wonder if I would discover this is the first hard rock song I liked. It just might be.



5. 'I'll Be Your Mirro' by Velvet Underground. If you only buy one 'every hipster at some point has to get all "old school" and rave about a band that was "so ahead of its time" and "so influential"' album, may I recommend 'Velvet Underground and Nico.' And if you don't like it, you can put the CD in a cop's tailpipe. Y'know, because there is a banana on it. Y'know, 'Beverly Hills Cop.'



6. 'Die Alone' by A Pale Horse Named Death. Quick, if you die alone what is your go-to song? Mine is 'Detachable Penis' just to mess with people. Especially if I die in a tragic erotic auto-asphyxation episode in a San Francisco Holiday Inn. Not that I've had any close calls.



7. 'Too Many Puppies' by Primus. No such thing as too many puppies. Sooooooooo cute!



8. 'Deep' by Pearl Jam. Unless things change rapidly this is shaping up as only the second year since 2003, with 2007 being the other, where I do not see Pearl Jam live. I blame George W. Bush.



9. 'Wreath' by Opeth. I thought it was appropriate to play this at Christmas. I assumed it was a Swedish Christmas carol. I still think it is and my family is wrong.



10. 'Live Before You Die' by Social Distortion. Well yeah, that is generally how it works. Unless you are an abortion, then there is some gray area depending on your proximity to the Mason-Dixon line.

Need for Time Machine Grows Stronger

PHILADELPHIA - Decent musician and even better director Rob Zombie has announced his next project will be a movie based on the 'Broad Street Bullies', the 1970's-era Philadelphia Flyers hockey team. The Heavy Metal Comedy site is expected to be on hiatus for a while as founder Doug Chagnon will dedicate all his time and brainpower to building a time machine so he can fast forward in time to see this move rather than wait for it to come out.
This second paragraph as since been written by Chagnon who did indeed invent the time-traveling Dodge Colt, modeled after his first car. The movie is great. The time machine has since been destroyed per his deal with the devil. Heavy Metal Comedy will go on as planned.

This Week in Megadeth on YouTube

I give him an 'A' for effort but he appears to be way to sober and lucid to be doing karaoke.

This Week in Pictures of Maria Brink

Like a fruity drink, the umbrella in this get-up is superfluous. 

Curse of the Osbournes

LOS ANGELES - Jack Osbourne, son of Ozzy Osbourne, was recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. It marks the first life-changing event that wasn't hand to him by his daddy.

Everything I Know About Women I Learned From ...

'Conditions of My Parole' by Puscifer

If crazy, good sexin' with a crazy chick is your cup of tea, then let me throw two not-so-little words at you: conjugal visit. If you drown your wife for the insurance money you may as well use a stack of Andrew Jacksons to lay down a path to your penis because the chicks will be on you like Uncle Ben on rice. Sure, it will start with a letter from a rural randy looking for a pen pal but between you, me, and the dude reading this over your shoulder on the subway, we all know pen pal is just an alliterative analogy for private parts partner. After a month of 'totally connecting spiritually' via the Postal Service, you will be totally connecting physically in a make-shift trailer in the parking lot next to the prison yard. If that trailer is a rockin' don't come a knockin' unless said knocker is a perv that likes to watch a prison groupie getting railed by a felon.

The powers-that-be will say the prison jumpsuit not having buttons is a safety issue. The powers-that-be are dirty liars. It is an access issue. When time is of the essence and you want to take two shots at knocking up your new lady so you can collect government assistance, a loose drawstring gives you an extra eight seconds to ride that bull. And though orange makes even the studliest of men look like glorified Creamsicles, rolling back an orange sleeve to reveal some prison tats may as well be visual Viagra for Connie Convict-Lover.

But always remember the crime you commit is key; stay away from kids and don't get rapey. Crimes of passion are your best bet. Offing a girlfriend or taking out daddy because he never picked you up after baseball practice shows your are damaged, but salvageable. Salvageability is key; chicks dig a project. Be it knitting a new sweater for their nephew or turning a drunken, daddy-stabber into the kind of fellow that will rip her sweater in half in a horny rage in a decades-old Airstream, ladies will take to a project like sharks take to wandering surfers. They eat that shit for breakfast.

Keep television in mind. Women throw themselves at talentless reality stars with shows on cable. Play your cards right and we are talking the lead on the network news. Prime time. Cable gets skanks. Prime time gets you the kind of trim that will be starring in 'The Real Housewives of Folsom Prison' in three years. And the inevitable Barbara Walters interview? Don't think your new gal isn't calling every bitch she hated in high school to brag about her man. Yup, one little crime that gets you life in the clink, and the world is your oyster. An oyster full of pussy.

In late 2011/early 2012, I was approached by a literary agent with an idea for a book called 'Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From Heavy Metal Album Covers.' It sounded like a good idea and they sent me a sample album cover (Whitesnake's 'Lovehunter') and asked me write up a blurb for that and another of my choosing (I went with 'Around the Fur' by Deftones). After some back and forth about the direction of the book and the voice of the author we decided to make a go of it. Unfortunately we did not find a buyer but now I have a few dozen blurbs collecting dust on my computer. So why not share with the world?

Again, this was not my original idea. That goes to Mal Peachy and the people at Essential Works. I'll share one with you each week. Enjoy.

Howl Messing with Decades-Too-Late Hipsters

SAN FRANCISCO - Heath Everett II is a 24-year old Portland native who recently moved to San Francisco while he works on getting his Masters at Cal-Berkely in General Studies. While in 'The City' he decided to embrace its long-gone hippiness and pick up some Alan Ginsberg compilations.
Everett also headed down to Amoeba Records and purchased the debut album from Howl assuming it would be chock full of the beat poetry he was going to delve into so he can tell people he is into it. After thirty minutes of 'Full of Hell' he was full of confusion as to what exactly beat poetry actually is.
"First off I take offense to you saying I am a General Studies major because I am seriously considering changing to Native American architecture," said Everett. "Second of all, can you contact my dad in Portland? I need some cash to get me through the next couple of months while I figure out a way to get my pop-up vegan Indian pancake restaurant off the ground."
While Everett privately admits that he does not like heavy metal music he is thinking owning the Howl disc may give him some street cred amongst the irony crowd hanging out in Delores Park.

I Can't Believe This Movie Tanked

Wait, let me get this straight. A bunch of rich, shithead Hollywood assholes decide to play dress-up and make fun of 80's metal and no one wanted to go see it? Said shithead Hollywood assholes blame Middle America in 3, 2, 1...

Bison B.C. are Definitely Men

VANCOUVER - If you are heading on a road trip and need someone to sit in the passenger seat and give solid directions, you can do a lot worse than Vancouver's Bison B.C. As their song 'Take the Next Exit' attests, the Canadian and bearded sludge metals understand a little heads-up goes a long way in helping the driver get to the destination.
Conversely, Cow A.D., an all-female Bison B.C. cover band, reconfigures the song as part of their shows and have re-named the ditty 'You Should Have Taken the Last Exit.' The estrogen-heavy foursome feels the new version properly conveys the pitfalls of having a female navigator.
Women be shopping!

Defending the Playlist

Every Friday I open Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments; maybe I will comment back.

1. 'World Coming Down' by Type O Negative. This album holds a special place in my heart as it was virtually all I listened driving an hour each way to my first corporate job. Still sucks that Peter Steele is dead. Not that it should ever not suck. You know what I mean. This is as sensitive as I get.



2. 'I Love You Little Girl' by Mark Lanegan. I hope 'little girl' refers to her size and not her age. Jerry Lee Lewis was a long time ago and a different era. Now it is only appropriate to gawk from a distance at the local mall. Unless you live near me, then everybody at the mall is grotesquely overweight.



3. 'Human Augmentation' by Fear Factory. It is amazing that it took this long for Fear Factory to have a song called 'Human Augmentation.' That is the upset of the year. Having said that, this song is a little too much Ascension of the Watchers, not enough Fear Factory.



4. 'Last Cup of Sorrow' by Faith No More. Their last radio hit (I think) and just as good as their first. Little known fact: Sorrow is Spanish for Folgers.



5. 'Yes, the River Knows' by The Door. A little word of advice, do not butcher a hooker and dump her in the river because the river knows. And the river sings like an attention-starved canary auditioning for 'American Idol.'



6. 'Nothing's the Same' by Black Label Society. What makes you hit 'next' quicker on Spotify, a Black Label Society ballad or a Black Label Society ballad? Yup, a trick question. Did I just blow your mind?



7. 'New Morning (Live)' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I don't how he does it but virtually every one of his songs sound the same but each is pretty good. Mark Lanegan is much the same. Bob Dylan is the same but he blows.



8. 'Texas Rock-a-Billy Rebel' by Reverend Horton Heat. If you name your kid Reverend Horton Heat you have pretty much sentenced him to being the coolest rock-a-billy rebel in the land. It probably doesn't pay well. Unless you get paid in cool, then he is making A-Rod money.



9. 'Thunder Invader' by Wayne Static. I know the Wayne Static/Static-X ship sailed long ago but I still dig the sound. I really think it is more than watered-down Ministry. And to be a big-bearded, Jager-swilling, porn star-sexin' rock star is what many a 14-year old dreams of. Good on him.



10. '(s)Aint' by Marilyn Manson. Everything I said about Wayne Static, ditto for Manson. What I am not looking forward to is a sober Manson in his 60's at Bonaroo 2030 covering the pop star of the moment's shitty song. Oh, Alice Cooper.

Everything I Know About Women I Learned From ...

'Gods of War' by Manowar

Manowar has taught the world a lot of things about loin cloths and the power of power metal but their knowledge goes beyond the obvious. Raise your hand if you knew the kind of sirens that hang with the likes of Manowar, which frankly is every woman with a pulse and a rack that won't quit, prefer righties? Check out the two dudes with their sword in their right hand? One is getting a full-on side-handy via his pocket while another vixen is presenting herself for a little doggy-action. Meanwhile, the other has a dark-haired concubine so close up on his nuts that he's ready to spread his seed over another dark-haired beauty. Hell, she has even turned her head and braced herself, for she knows the event is nigh.

The lefties, on the other hand, have to stand back and watch their brethren get their rocks off. Unless you hope to be a relief pitcher for the New York Yankees, there is no reason to be left-handed. One dude has a blonde two inches from his dong and she would rather reach around him and tickle the balls of the righty to his right. There are five women and four dicks and still the only way the lefties are getting their pee-pees touched is if they take matters in their own hands. The brunette would rather hang with the snake. Why? Because the snake is not left-handed. Lesson learned, no-handed trumps left-handed when there is a snake-infested orgy in front of the flying monkeys from 'The Wizard of Oz.'

Shit, even the snakes prefer the right-handed warriors. You see one pissed off snake throwing a hissy fit and who is feeling the wrath of its anger? The one chick touching one of the lefties. And it is not even her fault. Her black-haired friend beat her to the dick. And now because she is slow on the trigger she is going to have to snuggle with a boa constrictor that is only happy to squeeze her to death. Literally.

In late 2011/early 2012, I was approached by a literary agent with an idea for a book called 'Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From Heavy Metal Album Covers.' It sounded like a good idea and they sent me a sample album cover (Whitesnake's 'Lovehunter') and asked me write up a blurb for that and another of my choosing (I went with 'Around the Fur' by Deftones). After some back and forth about the direction of the book and the voice of the author we decided to make a go of it. Unfortunately we did not find a buyer but now I have a few dozen blurbs collecting dust on my computer. So why not share with the world?

Again, this was not my original idea. That goes to Mal Peachy and the people at Essential Works. I'll share one with you each week. Enjoy.

This Week in Megadeth on YouTube

Who knew Dave Mustaine could be so silly? And who knew their was a British version of Jimmy Fallon on BBC?

This Week in Pictures of Maria Brink

Well, it looks like someone is the CEO of Sexy Singers, Inc.

Slash Has Too Much Money

LOS ANGELES - The Hollywood Chamber Of Commerce has announced that Slash will be honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Tuesday, July 10 in front of Hard Rock Café on Hollywood Blvd. In other words, Slash just blew thirty grand.

I've Got Both Hands in My Pocket

"If I wear black jeans and keep my hands in my pockets, you will never notice my massive boner."

Twelve-Year Old Girl Thinks Queensryche is Sad

SEATTLE - Despite having created classic songs like 'Take Hold of the Flame' and 'The Lady Wore Black' as well as landmark albums like 'Operation: Mindcrime' and 'Empire,' Queensryche is doing everything they can to shit on their legacy and then light said legacy shit on fire and shove into a bag, and then take said flaming legacy shit bag and fling at each other's front doors. Infighting has led lead singer Geoff Tate to form his own solo band, the rest of the band to carry on with a Tate, circa 1989, sound-a-like, and the cherry on top is their daughters/wives taking to Facebook to air out their dirty laundry.
The band also recently failed to show up at a gig in Utah opening for Scorpions leaving Tate to open the show with his solo band, which no longer has his ex-son-in-law, and now Queensryche guitarist Parker Lundgen, amongst its ranks. Follow all that. Good, because a remake of 'Dallas' is coming back to television this summer.
It is expected that by next Monday, the band will start rumors that Tate was caught masturbating in the boys locker room during gym class. Tate is then to counter by saying two 'unnamed band members' got caught blowing each other in a tent at a weekend kegger down at the lake. On Wednesday a group of football players will call the whole group 'a bunch of faggots' and then wedgie the hell out of them. Finally on Friday all will be forced to transfer to a new high school and change their names.
Seriously, these dudes wrote 'Operation: Mindcrime.' If the high school version of this author knew this would happen in twenty years he would have gotten into a group that was less embarrassing. A band like C+C Music Factory. Everybody dance now!

Bison BC are Responsible Drinkers

VANCOUVER - Our friends north of the border in Canada may drink like professionals but Vancouver's Bison B.C. are getting things under control as evidenced by their track, 'Two-Day Booze.' The step towards 'drinking like normal people' is seen as a positive step.
"Shit, if this song came out six or seven years ago, it would've been called 'Six-Day Booze,'"said guitarist/vocalist James Farwell. "This song is almost two years old now. Come 2020 it will be called 'A Quiet Glass of Merlot With the Wife While Watching '60 Minutes' on a Sunday Night.'"
Some are calling the song the opening salvo in a battle with Drive-By Truckers who have a track called 'The Fourth Night of My Drinking' but Farwell is having none of that.
"To each their own but they're the ones that have to wake up on that fifth morning with a serious hangover and a bad case of Bud mud. Trust me, it is only fun the first thirty-eight times."

Defending the Playlist

Every Friday I open Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments; maybe I will comment back.

1. 'Fixation on the Darkness' by Killswitch Engage. Contrary to popular belief this song is not about being really into a British retro-rock band from the early 2000's that is now on the comeback trail. It is however my favorite Killswich Engage song. Actually, let me double-check that. Yes, let's go with this one.



2. 'The Human Instrument' by Volbeat. The song that started it all for me and my affinity for Volbeat. Terrestrial rock radio may be dead but satellite radio is alive and well helping me discover bands like Volbeat. Now I know 'Elvis metal' is a thing. Pooky wooky.



3. 'One Minute of Silence' by Soundgarden. Like 'Snakes on a Plane,' the title says it all. You would swear this is a Type O Negative album-opening track. It also describes the elevator ride I take to the fourteenth floor every day for work.



4. 'Swingin' Party' by The Replacements. This actually describes work after I get off said elevator except the exact opposite. Have you ever wondered what it is like to work for a technology company in Silicon Valley with a bunch of over-achievers? It is very humbling and involves listening to a bunch of people playing ping-pong when you are trying to zone everybody out and listen to Ghost in peace and quiet.



5. 'As the Seasons Grey' by Testament. One thing about living in the San Francisco area as opposed to New England is the lack of seasons. Seeing as how Testament is from this neck of the woods, I am not sure I know what their point of reference is in this song. It probably just involves a lot of simulated guitar play with the microphone stand.



6. 'Malignant' by Chimaira. Get better Robin Quivers. I feel much worse disliking you when you are recovering from having a mass removed from your pelvis. Get better so I feel less shame. And Baba Booey to y'all.



7. 'To Cross the Bridge' by High on Fire. This is on some stoner rock collection and the cover is pretty sexy except the chick has a pot leaf tattoo. Sure it's fake, but I am pretty sure a chick with that tattoo is not going to help me pay the bills. And my penis would be paranoid after entering her.



8. 'High for the Ride' by Sea of Green. Interesting, a song from the same album. Even Spotify gets loopy after a virtual bong hit of stoner rock. (Not available on YouTube so enjoy 'Sea of Love.')



9. 'Stay Out of My Dreams' by Type O Negative. If every cash-grab greatest hits album had songs this good on it as a bonus track then they would not be known as cash-grab greatest hits albums. But they don't, so they are. Also, as I write this a commercial for the new Adam Sandler movie 'That's My Boy' is on in the background (I am watching the Stanley Cup Finals). I say let the illegal Mexicans stay and immediately deport anybody that buys a ticket to that movie.



10. 'From Her to Eternity' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. It is the live version and I recommend seeing Nick Cave live if the opportunity ever presents itself. If only because when he plays 'Stagger Lee,' you can thousands hear thousands sing along to "I'll crawl over 50 good pussies just to get to one fat boy's asshole." What poetry.

This Week in Megadeth on Youtube

Awwww, soooooo cute! Now someone call Social Services.

Everything I Know About Women I Learned From...

In late 2011/early 2012, I was approached by a literary agent with an idea for a book called 'Everything I Know About Women, I Learned From Heavy Metal Album Covers.' It sounded like a good idea and they sent me a sample album cover (Whitesnake's 'Lovehunter') and asked me write up a blurb for that and another of my choosing (I went with 'Around the Fur' by Deftones). After some back and forth about the direction of the book and the voice of the author we decided to make a go of it. Unfortunately we did not find a buyer but now I have a few dozen blurbs collecting dust on my computer. So why not share with the world?

Again, this was not my original idea. That goes to Mal Peachy and the people at Essential Works. I'll share one with you each week. Enjoy.

WOMEN REALLY REALLY LIKE SNAKES (Whitesnake - 'Lovehunter')

Snakes have a long history of being used as phallic metaphors by male rockers, from Soundgarden telling you to 'Get on the Snake' to Skid Row's 'Rattlesnake Shake' (featuring 'Snake' Sabo on guitar), even Jim Morrison told you to “Ride the Snake” and he was full of enough drugs to kill him and Jimi Hendrix. But those fellas only see the snake as a weapon, a battering ram full of venom (semen). To further the analogy, a King Cobra with its hood is an uncircumcised penis and a snake shedding its skin is bareback sexin'. And don't think a snake charmer playing a phallic flute to get a snake to rise is anything but a blowjob metaphor.

But the snake represents a more satisfactory, encompassing sexual being for women. It is the total package. Every woman likes to get licked and what creature's tongue action screams kick-ass cunnilingus? The snake. Every woman likes to cuddle and what will wrap you in its figurative arms and squeeze the non-figurative life out a lovely lady? The boa constrictor, that's who. And when a gal just wants a night to herself with a glass of wine, some Whitesnake on the stereo, and a 'neck massager' in her hand, what reptile would best deliver the goods? A sweet snake and its magical rattle, that's who. The snake is the swiss-army knife of sexual animals. Completely Made-Up Fact: 83% of bestiality sites feature women with horses, but by 2019 snakes will pass horses as the most popular animals on those sites.

And if you think men do crazy shit for pussy, then you don't know about a little book called the Bible. God told Eve one thing; don't eat the fucking apple! And what does she go and do while under the spell of the asp (a good hard cock)? She eats that apple like it was a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a 'Real Housewives of New York' marathon just started. She was in it what we now as the 'penis fog.'

That is why bands like Whitesnake can get women to do anything they want, like dance like a stripper on the hood of a car. Everything from their album artwork down to their name exudes sex. They know that women really really like snakes.

The Sword Still Messing WIth Us

TEXAS - The Sword have announced they are hitting the studio to record their fourth album entitled 'Apocryphon.' A Google search has revealed that apocryphon is a term for Jewish writings that were said to impart secret knowledge, again making their fans feel intellectually inferior.
"Seriously, cut the shit," said super fan Jesse Fontaine. "At the very least use some terminology that I can break out at a cocktail party. How the hell can I work 'apocryphon' into a conversation without sounding like an asshole?"

This Week in Pictures of Maria Brink

Is that three Maria Brinks or am I doing more drunken Google Image searches?

Freddie Mercury Crying Into His Moustache

Freddie Mercury is rolling over in his grave... just so it'll be easier to get AIDS, again.

Tommy Lee and Dee Snider Have a Love Child

Take one part Tommy Lee, one part Dee Snider, and one part DP-loving groupie and you get Sevendust drummer Morgan Rose.

Shit-Ton of People Owe Slipknot an Apology

DES MOINES - After years of tarnishing their legacy with things like a greatest hits album after four albums, mediocre shows, and the existence of Stone Sour, Slipknot has dropped a proverbial 'Oh yeah? Check this shit out' on their critics with their Knotfest announcement. Its weak name aside, the lineup is as good as any put together in the last decade featuring, among others, Deftones, Lamb of God, Prong, Dillinger Escape Plan, and Gojira.
"Those who can't, teach. Those who no longer can, book a killer festival," said lead singer Corey Taylor. "Why do you think that Metallica festival looks kinda weak? They are playing 'Ride the Lightning' in its entirety, you don't need to book a good festival when you perform a masterpiece."
Knotfest takes place over two days in Iowa and Wisconsin, two states expected to be major players in the upcoming presidential election. Both Barack Obama and MItt Romney are said to considering attending, mainly so they can stare each other down while singing "if your 5-5-5, then I'm 6-6-6!"

Defending the Playlist

The monthly tradition on the old site makes it way to the new site. You know the rules, I open a Spotify, hit shuffle and discuss the first ten songs, for better or worse. If you want to play along, put your playlist in the comments, maybe I'll comment back.

1. 'Sick, Sick, Sick' by Queens of the Stone Age. There was time when I thought that these dudes were one of the best rock bands on the planet then I thought they got to be a bit same-sounding. Now revisiting them a few years later, the songs hold up. I was probably just being picky. I'm the same way with orange juice. All hail Tropicana. I will never stray to Tropicana 50 ever again.



2. 'Only One' by Slipknot. If you only have two minutes to listen to Slipknot, I recommend the first two minutes of 'The Heretic Anthem.' If you want to hear an entire song, then you may as well grab this little ditty.



3. 'My Baby Left Me' by Chris Isaak. Miss Heavy Metal Comedy and I celebrated our move from Boston to San Francisco by seeing Chris Isaak at the Bank of America Pavilion in Boston just before we left. I can not stress how good 'Wicked Game' was. He's a good time. And easy on the eyes. Mee-ow!



4. 'Anarchy-X' by Queensryche. Not really worth listening on its own. In fact it makes you hate whatever song is next because you know it is not going to be 'Revolution Calling.' The unlucky next song is...



5. 'Thanks for Nothing' by Overkill. How appropriate.



6. 'Fundamentally Loathsome' by Marilyn Manson. The name of this song is a mouthful just like the rack on the broad on the cover of 'Mechanical Animals.' The things I would do to her.



7. 'The Garden's Tale' by Volbeat. Did you know the broad on 'Mechanical Animals' was actually a dude? More specifically Manson himself? I am a confused little boy. Anyway, Volbeat is awesome.



8. 'Keep Your Eye on the Money' by Motley Crue. I can not think of the last time I heard this song or even thought about it. But when it popped onto my Spotify, I was ten again listening to this cassette with my brother. I have aged better than this song, and I look like shit.



9. 'Ruiner' by Nine Inch Nails. I always felt that liking Nine Inch Nails was an obligation seeing as how I was the perfect age to be really into them. They're fine, even good, but I was never apeshit about them. I think the last ten years of their career has proven me correct.



10. 'Crucifixion' by Sepultura. Production values be damned. This is some old Sepultura. I will give record companies like Roadrunner credit. They heard this and could envision something like 'Chaos A.D.' See, Romney haters, some corporations are people.